Complaining about fence colour
October 11, 2011
Being British has its downsides. The awkwardness of certain situations unnerves us and we find ourselves shrinking away from confrontation.
Which option would you choose?
Our neighbour has just had a new fence installed. Before it was erected they came round and asked us if we minded. No we thought, We don’t mind at all. Especially as all attempts to try to see if any contribution was needed were turned down. However - the colour.
The colour of the fence panels is a horrific bright orange, not the nice muted grey/silver colour we were used to.
Do we:
1) Complain about the colour and hide in shame for weeks.
2) Say nothing and build up resentment.
3) Buy some fence paint and try to explain away why we painted it (while tryting not to drip the paint through the slats)
4) Smile and do nothing.
5) Ask if the neighbour chose that colour.
6) Ask if our neighbour is colour blind.
7) Get up in the dead of night and remove said panels before blaming their disappearance on the rabbit family from number 12.
Stop spamming me
August 14, 2011
We aren’t referring to the popular meat based product in the title of this article. We are however referring to the countless pointless emails and phone calls we receive every day from people trying to either sell us something or trying to make our lives a misery.
Every day at 11:00am and 4:00pm for the last four days somebody has tried to call us on our mobile phone. We’re at work, we’re busy, we’re not allowed to answer, so we don’t answer. The caller display says ‘private nr’ so we don’t know who it is (another reason to not answer). The most annoying part? They don’t leave a message.
If they left a message we ‘might’ call them back, but since no message is left and since we haven’t the foggiest who it is we can do nothing. This has left us worried, could it by the doctor’s surgery saying they’ve found the results from the tests we had in 2010 and we only have a year left to live? Could it be the National Lottery saying we’ve not claimed our jackpot win? Could it be some goodfornothing trying to sell us a year’s subscription to Jesus Loves Cats - the popular weekly evangelical read? - We don’t know but there’s nothing we can do except wait for the phone to ring again so we can ignore it.
Cold callers drive me crazy
May 16, 2011
We’ve all been there. After a hard day at work we are settling down in front of the television with a glass of wine when the doorbell rings. We answer it only to find a cold caller is trying to sell us religion or a similar worthless product. We then stand by the doorway while the person regails us their wares without stopping for air so we can’t get a word in edgeways to tell them to piss off. That was until we developed a cunning plan.
When you open the door to a cold caller you have to think fast. Speaking first is the key. Instead of the usual “hello”, start with the catchy - “Are you selling anything?” If the person answers “no”, you need to be ready with the next question - “Are you from a small religious group who is trying to recruit people who can’t think for themselves?” If the answer is “no” again, you have to respond quickly again. The next question to ask is - “Are you from a political party?”. If the answer is still “no”, the last question to ask is “Are you trying to get me to change my energy supplier?”. If the answer is still no you will have to resort to the same response as if the cold caller has answered “yes” to any of the above questions - “not today”, while shutting the door into the face of the loser on the doorstep. Don’t be tempted to say “I’m really busy now”, as the cold caller will say “I’ll call back later”.
Remember, how fast you react is important. Don’t give your cold caller the upper hand and definitely don’t let them start talking. If you do, you’ll have to wait the five minutes it’ll take before they come up for air to say “No thanks” while shutting the door in their face.
Check your brake lights after you have an MOT
December 23, 2010
It seems my month is going from bad to worse. Getting stopped by the police for driving without an operating rear driver side brake light could be put down to being unlucky, however my car had just been serviced and passed it’s MOT a week earlier.
The police let me off with a warning to replace the offending light, so I hurried off to our local motor parts centre to buy a bulb. 15p is a bargain for a bulb I thought as I unscrewed the rear light cluster. However, when I took out the offending bulb, I noticed that it only had one filament, not the two I had expected (one for the brake, one for the rear light)?
Questioning myself, I looked at the contacts inside the bulb holder and realised the wrong bulb had been fitted to my car. That’s when the penny dropped and things started to fall into place.
When I had my MOT, the friendly man at the MOT test centre called me to say I needed to have a bulb replaced, but they would do it for a small charge. I agreed. Upon checking the receipt from the garage and the MOT documentation, it clearly states they had replaced the rear driver side brake light bulb – They had replaced the bulb for the wrong type and the car had then passed the MOT – with the brake light NOT working.
What else did they not check when they did the MOT – The seatbelts? The emissions? The brake pipes? I could be driving a death trap.
I phoned the garage and asked to speak to the manager, who courteously told me that I was wrong. I told him I was right. He told me I was wrong. I told him he was a p****.
The Religion Effect
August 15, 2008
It has been said that at a dinner party you should never discuss religion or politics as it will always end in an awkward dispute with at least one person offended. I am not sure of my exact beliefs, though surely there must be something after this life. Who is to say it is not reincarnation or heaven or the next dimensional level?!
What worries me is that every single devastating war that the World has seen is down to religion. Why is it such an issue that we have differing beliefs? Why can we not respect each other’s cultures and live in harmony? Surly after all religion is about love and living together?
I always think; are we really so different? Is it not better to have beliefs than no beliefs at all? As a child I was brought up a protestant, though I find some aspects of all religion unbelievable; especially with the scientific knowledge we now have. How exactly could God create the World in 6 days when we are told by some of the most intelligent people in existence that the big bang theory is how it actually came about?
I think to a certain extent religion is what drives a divide amongst us. We should have a ‘no religion day’ to celebrate everyone, irrespective of beliefs. Surely as long as we live with good ethics religion is irrelevant.
Church Backs Female Bishops
July 8, 2008
Yesterday the Church of England’s Synod voted in favour of Women becoming Bishops.
Though many in the Church of England (over 1,300) signed a letter of petition to the Arch Bishop of Canterbury and York; many of these were retired rather than practicing clergy.
Any compromise of there being a two tiered bishop hierarchy, as traditionalists have asked for would have caused institutional division and made women second class clergy.
Monday saw six hours of debate by the Synod, where both the proposal of super bishops and a preferred option of new dioceses were denied.
The Fellowship of Confessions (FoCA) a new break away sector of the Church of England, for those who are against homosexuality in the church, will soon set up their own bishop council too. The conservative sector set up and officially established in Jerusalem last week has caused concern that the church may become further divided in the future.
Reverend John Broadhurst who is The Bishop of Fulham concurred with the traditionalists saying;
“I think a lot of us have made it quite clear if there isn’t proper provision for us to live in dignity, inevitably we’re driven out and it’s not a case of walking away.”
Though, there are many liberals that are happy with the reforms. Robert Key, Tory and Synod member was in favour of women Bishops and said;
“It is a good day for the Church of England, and it is a good day for the country because our national church, the church by law established, is actually now in step with most of the country and what people feel.”
The Church has moved into the same century as the rest of us and I think it is about time.